The Sea and the Bells

If each day falls

Inside each night

There exists a well

Where clarity is enfolded.

.

We need to sit on the rim

Of the well of darkness

And fish for fallen light

With patience.

.

Pablo Neruda

Translated by by William O’Daly

It’s been an interesting month, past.  I’ve had many opportunities to relearn my own lessons around letting go of ego, letting emotions flow through without attachment, centering in the present moment, being compassionate… it seems that many learning processes that I’ve experienced have been coming up for review.  I find myself thinking, “This again?  I thought I’d worked through this one!” and I notice a rise of frustration and disappointment in not being the person I would like myself to be.  And then, I have to step back and remind myself it’s a new moment and I can simply choose to be that person.  I remind myself of the natural spiral rhythm of life – “Yes, this again!  This again is the same, though deeper, if I only let it be so.”

Just yesterday a new yoga instructor pointed out that the front of my heart chakra was wide open and active, the back was constricted.  I was using that area as the source of all my movement, and it was causing me pain.  In fact, this point is a chronic source of pain for me.  She said, “The front is where you let others in, the back is where you let your own self in.”  Pain, it is vital information from our body.  Can I listen?

Challenge and opportunity are one and the same.  It’s time to renew the vows to my own self.  I invite you to note your seeming painful opportunities to do so as well.

Back on the east coast I met a man who offered me the vision that the smell of a burning olive oil lamp would return something to me.  I’ve yet to follow up to create the lamp and seek the gift offered, there is a bit of nervousness that I would do something wrong, use the wrong materials, find nothing.  The potential is so rich that I hesitate to destroy it by seeking…

As in our meeting that day.  Rich potential not tapped to it’s depths.  Opportunity lost?  Or shall it come around again?

Something stirred within me this morning, prompting me to find this piece that I’d posted on a discussion board in 2004.  I hope you enjoy my retro-writing.

Subtitle: Good providers do not make good relationships…

A heartfelt Thank You for walking into my life – in all of your forms and guises. Stretching boundaries, learning, exploring, loving, healing… You allow me to be me as I am, as I want to be. You honor me in allowing me to witness and experience you, with your dreams and desires, your pains and your fears.  Stripped. Of all worldly associations, Naked.   Those eyes are windows and I can only look away when I can no longer keep my own eyes open, when I become lost in ME… The little girl sees those invisible wounds, kisses those scars. The teen giggles in moments of self-conscious uncertainty. The woman feeds of your heat and your pleasure. The Goddess worships your God-essence.

Love which goes beyond looks and age and consequence, gender, beyond you and me, Universal, Unteathered… It is love which nourishes and which sets me free, And I will forever thank you for allowing me this space, this life, this opportunity, these experiences.  I am affected deeply each time we meet. Your questions teach me. Your healing heals me. Your light illuminates tangled pathways on my own journey. Your strength empowers and awes me. I hum with the vibration of Oneness. It’s a game I enjoy playing, it’s a hobby which has become my livlihood, it’s a gift I pray to keep giving.

Emotions are are but flavors of light, energies, signs, stories… They have always been and will always be in this manifestation of life that is lived. We can hold them… or… let them run through us like water, food, the air we breathe.  I must first receive the love which I give. Let it flow. Overflowing. I may love you, though overall I love THROUGH you. Create your own well. Gratitude to a Source is healthy and beautiful, dependence is not. Don’t take it personal, it’s not about you. It’s all about the me within you and the you within me.

Maybe it is personal.  Sometimes. But what does that mean? What will that mean tomorrow, at noon? When flesh is but ash? The whys and the wheres and the whats and the hows… I don’t have your answers, and I hope to always be still searching for mine.

I’ve said before and will say many times again – women who have this much love do not make good partners. Feel free to ask any number of my many x’s. You can’t cage a phoenix, and I’d be killing the gold-laying magical goose. Our lives are the greatest of fairy tales ever, or never, told. Enjoy it as it is, for what it is.

Time to dust again.

Time to caress my house,

to stroke all its surfaces.

I want to think of it as a kind of lovemaking,

…the chance to appreciate by touch

what I live with and cherish.

The rags come out – old soft pajama legs, torn undershirts, frayed towels. They are still of use. It is precisely because they have exhausted their original use that they have come to this honorable task.

Rag in hand, I feel along each piece of furniture I live with, and luster returns to the old sideboard, to the chair legs and the lamp stands. It is as if by touch they are revealed and returned to themselves. Strange that in the dumbness of inanimate things one can feel so much silent response. What then of us animate creates?

We are so many-surfaced: bumpy, smooth, prickly, rough, silky, hairy, spiny, soft, scaly, furry, feathery, sharp, and on and on. And don’t we all want to be stroked in some way …to be restored to ourselves by touch as much as by sight or smell or sound?

I want to be a lover of surfaces all day today. Let this be the prayer: that my hands not be ashamed to give and to receive a passionate exchange …to luster and be lustered… and so come to feel (Spirit’s) inward touch.

Gunilla Norris

Lately I’ve been consciously practicing my ability to nourish myself via appreciations.

This is not about compliments.

Every person has a gift for me, if I remember to listen deeply and from my heart.  What I see and appreciate in others is that which I desire in my own self.  This post is a thank you to each and every living inspiration that I have had the honor to meet.  Thank you for the vision, thank you for a mirror, thank you for sharing moments of time and space.  Your joy, your insight, your commitment, your determination, your open mind, your radiant smile, your fearless self examination, your strength, your vulnerability, your superb communication skills, your courage in pain and fear, your humor, your gentle spirit, your curiosity, your wisdom, your love, your light… such amazing gifts!

Everyone offers something beautiful to behold.

As I refine my ability to hear the depths I hope to return the gifts to you…

With love,

Sola

Spicy nag champa floating on soft instrumental cries and the rhythm of soft sighs,

your own breathing heartbeat avowing wondrous life.

Candlelight sunset dancing on hungry velvet skin caressed by warm chocolate melting tongue,

a silky touch demands attention as these eyes hold you, adored.

I’ve been accused of playing semantics before, it’s not that I try to be difficult – it’s that words create and distort ideas and the reality of what we are actually saying.  I believe in the power of well crafted and precise language.  Words are very powerful yet they only say what is heard.  I read something today that stopped me in my tracks…

The “unconscious” – that part of our mind that’s tuned into the cosmos – is much more conscious than our so-called conscious, ego dominated mind; and is just as organized, but in a different way… (Regarding) discovering conscious beliefs that stand in the way of creating a new reality and replacing them with conscious new ones. If those beliefs are invisible to us, it’s because we take them for granted as assumptions underlying our reality – not because they are buried somewhere in the unconscious mind.

- Nancy Ashley, Re: Seth “Create Your Own Reality”

I tend to focus on the unconscious beliefs/reality as our patterned system.  Is it simply a matter of my interpretation of the words (conscious or unconscious) or do I need to delve back into my understanding of consciousness and the nature of reality to sort it all back out?  I’ll never get my projects done if I keep tripping over things like this lol!

Many people believe meditating is a vague and esoteric practice which doesn’t fit into daily life. To simply sit giving conscious attention to the present moment and to inner self – in the middle of our hectic days this can seem an unattainable bit of peace, a self-indulgent luxury. I admit, sometimes I forget. I forget who I am at heart. I find myself confused, unfocused. There are days when I lose compassion for my own self, berating my human faults and foibles. Those days, I know I have not been meditating enough.

This morning I lit a stick of nag champa and brought flame to the candles in the four corners as I slowly circled my meditation room counter clockwise. I made an offering of fresh water, grapes and nuts to the hungry ghosts in my life as I circled again. I rang tingshas and requested that I be free of my own monkey mind as I circled yet again. Reversing direction I bowed to the elements as I circled the room. I requested that my higher self and various guides join me as I circled again. In circling the third time I asked for strength, clarity and wisdom.

Sitting in lotus I placed one hand on my yoni and one on my heart and began to follow the breath moving through me. Thoughts of friends in pain and need, released with an exhale. Immediately followed by feelings of frustration for places I cannot or have not been allowed to bring peace, released with an exhale. Bringing life and light and space into my body with each inhalation. Judgment of my personal and worldly attachments, released with an exhale. Compassion and love and gratitude drawn into my cells with each inhalation… Sitting in silence, my minds eye gently watching the waves of breath moving within and back out, finding connection to the air. Feeling the hardwood on my buttocks and the coiled tension in my spine, finding connection to earth. Feeling the heartbeat in my ears, the blood flowing in my veins, finding connection to the waters. Feeling the tingling begin in my palms, in my genitals, in my heart, finding connection to fire. Placing my attention on my forehead, just above and between my eyes, the third eye, finding connection to the ether… inspiration, letting go, inspiration, letting go, inspiration, letting go… Gradually I opened my eyes, softly resting them on Quan Yin, and I thanked her for her compassion.

What did I need to create this desperately needed ceremony for myself?  Intuition and intention, this was not a ceremony of any specific tradition… some food, water, candles, incense, a chime.  Total time, fifteen minutes.

I offer you the reality that there is always time for grace in this moment.